I’m Not Anti-Social, I’m Fighting for My Life (And My Peace)

Let me get real for a minute. If you’ve ever wondered why I fall off the radar sometimes—why I don’t call, don’t show up, or seem distant—it’s not because I don’t care. It’s not because I’m cold or don’t value connection. It’s just… sometimes, it’s hard.

I’ve struggled with depression, health issues, self-image, and self-worth for what feels like forever. And while I love hard when I do, my natural instinct isn’t always to reach out or be social. It’s to hide, to retreat into myself when things feel too heavy.

The Quiet Battle I Fight Every Day: Fighting for my peace

Most people don’t see the storm inside. They see a picture, a post, a quick smile. What they don’t see is me, sitting in silence, battling thoughts like:

• I feel ugly today.

• I don’t deserve to be loved.

• I’m a bad friend—I don’t call enough.

• They think I’m inconsiderate or selfish.

• I’m not grateful enough for what I have.

• I’m not good enough at anything to make my life better.

These thoughts loop. They’re loud. And even though I know they aren’t the truth, they feel true in the moment. So I pull away, thinking it’s better than burdening anyone with my mess.

It’s Not That I Don’t Want to Connect...

I can post here and there, share a photo or a video, drop a comment, and keep up the appearance that I’m “around.” But interacting? Engaging? Being present in real-time? That’s different. That takes energy I don’t always have. And it’s not because I don’t love you. It’s because sometimes, loving myself feels like a full-time job.

I’m Not Asking for Sympathy. Or Excuses.

Don’t get it twisted—I’m not writing this for sympathy. I’m not trying to make excuses for why I struggle. But don’t you think I wake up every day wishing I could make my creativity and skills work for me? Wishing I could build a better life from the things I’m good at?

People always tell me I’m a jack of all trades—but here’s the sad part: I’m a master of none. And yes, I know adult ADD plays a role. I don’t believe it’s the only reason, but it’s part of why I can’t always focus, why I start projects and can’t finish, why I feel stuck no matter how many ideas I have.

You don’t think it hurts? You don’t think it kills me that I’m not as reliable as I want to be? That I can’t get it all together the way I know I could if my brain and heart weren’t fighting each other every day?

You think I do this on purpose?

When Someone Said “When Are You Going to Decide to Be Different?”

Let me tell you about a conversation that stuck with me. And not in a good way.

Someone—someone I thought was a friend—once hit me with this: “When are you going to decide to be different? When are you going to get over all of this?”

Let me call that what it was. It wasn’t just a question. It was a judgment. It was a dismissal of everything I’ve fought, everything I’ve felt, everything I wake up and push through daily.

Let Me Say This for Anyone Who’s Ever Heard Words Like That:

I didn’t choose this .I didn’t decide to struggle with my health. I didn’t decide to feel like I’m not enough. I didn’t decide to fight with myself just to get out of bed some days.

What I did decide is to keep going, even when it’s hard. To keep loving, even when I want to hide. To keep showing up in the ways that I can, even if it’s not perfect.

And That Comment? It Wasn’t Helpful. It Was Hurtful.

Because no matter how long this journey takes me, I’m still working. Still trying. Mental health isn’t something you “get over.” It’s something you live through, and some days, that’s all I can do.

This Might Be a Lifelong Journey, and That’s Okay

Mental health doesn’t come with a deadline. There is no “enough time” to just get over it. No matter how many years I’ve been saying this, it’s still true: I’m working on it. And yes, it might take my whole life.

That doesn’t mean I’m not trying. It doesn’t mean I’m making excuses. It means I’m living with something that requires patience, grace, and constant effort. Some journeys don’t have neat little finish lines, and that doesn’t make them less real.

Healing Isn’t a Switch. It’s a Process.

Comments like that don’t help—they hurt. They make you feel unseen, like your struggle is an inconvenience. But here’s what I’ve learned: not everyone will understand your journey. And honestly, not everyone has to. What matters is that you understand, and that you find people who are willing to walk beside you, not push you to move faster than you’re ready for.

I Don’t Expect Anyone to Put Up with It

I know I’m not the easiest friend. I know I disappear, and I’m bad at checking in. I know friendships take effort, and sometimes I don’t have much to give. And let me be the first to say: you don’t owe me anything. Nobody is required to carry me through these hard seasons.

But for those who do—those who see me, who get it, who don’t take it personally—I love you more than I can ever express.

To Those Who Love Me Anyway

If you’ve stuck around through the silence and my journey of fighting for my peace, through the missed calls, the “I’m okay” when I’m really not, I just want to say thank you. Thank you for not needing me to be perfect. Thank you for understanding that this isn’t about you, it’s about me fighting my own battles.

I’m working on it. I’m working on me. But if you ever feel like I’ve gone MIA, please know: I still care. I still love. I still think about you. I’m just learning how to show up for myself before I can fully show up for others.

And Sometimes… I Have to Let Go of People for My Peace

Let me be honest one more time. Sometimes, for my own sanity, for my own survival, I have to cut ties. I’ve had to block, walk away, and let go of people—even if I’ve caused them hurt too.

It’s not about blame. It’s about self-preservation.It’s about peace.

Life is short. Tomorrow isn’t promised. And I refuse to spend mine tangled up in cycles of stress, pain, or people who don’t align with where I’m trying to grow.

If I’ve had to let someone go, it’s because I needed space to breathe. And I’ll never fault anyone else for doing the same. Protect your peace. Always.

If You Feel This Too...

You’re not alone. And you’re not a bad friend, daughter, sister, or partner because you struggle. Some of us love in waves, in silence, in the space between messages—and that’s okay.

Helpful Tools & Resources for the Journey

If you’re navigating something similar, here are some things that have helped me or might support you on your own path. You don’t have to do it all alone, and small steps are still steps.

Supportive Tools from Amazon

📝 Guided Journal for Mental Health: A space to reflect, release, and track your thoughts without judgment.

🧘🏾‍♀️ Weighted Blanket for Calming Rest: Great for anxiety relief and getting better sleep during heavy days.

🎧 Noise-Canceling Headphones: Because sometimes peace is blocking out the world and finding your center.

📚 Book: “The Gifts of Imperfection” by Brené Brown: For embracing your flaws and learning to love your messy, real self.

🖊️ Planner Designed for ADHD Minds: Helps create structure in a way that works for scattered but creative brains.

Resources for Mental Health & Support

💛 Therapy Resources (Affordable Options):

• Open Path Collective – Affordable therapy services.

• Therapy for Black Girls – Therapist directory and community support.

💡 Online ADHD Support:

• ADDA (Attention Deficit Disorder Association) – Adult ADHD tools and virtual groups.

• How to ADHD YouTube Channel – Practical advice and real talk on living with ADHD.

🧠 Crisis & Immediate Support:

• National Alliance on Mental Illness (NAMI) – HelpLine and local support groups.

• If you’re in crisis: Text HELLO to 741741 for 24/7 support.